For today’s gay guy, the social scene can more closely resemble a modern house of horrors. No matter who you are, every gay man has a few traits that are truly cringe-worthy. But there are some mutations among us that belong under the glare of a microscope instead of sitting across from the dinner table.
These bizarre distortions of gay men walk among us in plain sight, masking their deformities behind their coiffed hair and moisturized faces. But don’t be fooled, these dastardly characters should be kept far from your phonebook contacts and even further from your cocktail parties.
So step right up and marvel at the six gay men that you never want to meet, but make sure you stay behind the glass partition.
Dr. Sober, Mr. Sloppy
This villain is practically impossible to spot during business hours. By day, Dr. Sober is the perfect example of what the modern gay man should be. He has a great dog, an incredible apartment and is quite possibly the best lunch date you could ever ask for. But when he starts to round the corner of that third double cocktail during happy hour, Dr. Sober checks out for the night. Instead, you are left trying to wrangle the erratic, obnoxious and nonsensical behavior of Mr. Sloppy. Without even knowing it, you have found yourself in the eye of a vodka tornado complete with tears, come-ons and racial slurs. The check can never come fast enough.
The Man with Two Heads
This couple might fool you into believing that they are of two beings, but in fact, they operate solely as one body. They think alike, dress alike and finish each other’s sentences. None of these factors are gag-worthy on their own… but just give it time. Their relentless intent to rub their relationship in your face with every status update, profile picture and birthday card signed with both names will soon chap your thighs worse than tight jeans at the amusement park in the summertime.
The Serial Dater
These desperate creatures may seem harmless at first. You might even feel a tinge of pity as you incorporate this love addict into your circle. But beware. To this member of the monster squad, every eligible bachelor is a potential leading man in the next sequel of his romantic comedy/horror flick. To a serial dater, his life is a movie and you are only playing a part. At any point, the guy you just dumped could take on the leading role and your footage may be slashed with a butcher knife and left on the cutting room floor.
The “Mombie” (Model Zombies)
This type of man is commonplace in any gay hub. He has the build of an Adonis, a movie star smile and a hairstyle that looks more like a cartoon than actual hair. Unfortunately, these are only side effects from whatever toxic sludge that turned his brain into mush. The only cognitive functions these “mombies” are still capable of are self-pics, weight lifting and making you feel like an inferior physical specimen. They may not eat your brains, but you may just unlearn a thing or two after talking to him. Oh, and they tend to run in packs.
The Man with A Million Lives
You barely finished telling your friends about your recent trip to Hawaii before this loud mouth character piped in with his tale of how he parachuted into the mouth of an active volcano in Maui. This boastful breed of gay is worse than his hetero counterpart because not only has he done everything you have twice over in a speedo, he has the Photoshopped pictures on his Facebook to prove it. It doesn’t take long before you start calculating this deviant’s age with his seemingly unending list of accomplishments when it hits you. He must have a deal with the devil, because your calculator says he would have to be about 87 years old to have done all of the things he claims. No plastic surgeon is that good.
This guy is a tricky one to pin down. But once you do, abort all relations immediately. A natural thespian, this sinister villain has mastered the art of mirroring human emotions to draw in his prey. He’s charming, funny, sensitive and too perfect to be true… and for good reason. This puppet of a man is a certified sociopath. And once he has grown tired of you, he moves on to entertain the next victim without so much as a trace of emotion. All you are left with is a little bit of whiplash and the resounding question of, “Did I imagine it all?”
For those of you who are only screwed up in the traditional sense, take heed. These freakshows are real, they are available and they might even try to put a ring on it.